Photo: stevendepolo/Flickr

My friend Barry was seriously trying to give up his smoking habit, and contacted the New York City health department to apply for free nicotine patches from a program called NYC Quits. He had exhausted his supply of patches and asked me if I would apply for the program to get him another free package.

I don’t smoke. Well, except for this one time a few months ago when I pretended to smoke with some friends outside a bar and accidentally lit the wrong end because, OF COURSE.

I picked up the phone, called 311 and told the operator I wanted to quit smoking.

After getting my address and other identifying information, the city health representative wanted to know if I needed the nicotine patches or gum, so he asked me how often I smoked.

“Oh, so often!” I said, panicking. “I am really addicted to these cancer sticks.”

“Okay, but how often?” the representative asked. “How many cigarettes do you smoke on a daily basis?”

I considered for a second what a lot of cigarettes would sound like.

“Seven,” I said. “I smoke seven cigarettes every day. It’s an unshakeable habit.”

“Oh, that’s not that bad at all,” the representative said. “Most people who call here smoke much more than that, but I’ll send you the nicotine gum anyway.”

When I recounted the conversation with Barry, he was more amused than anything.

“You thought seven cigarettes was a lot?” he asked. “You should have said you smoked at least a pack a day.”

“How can anyone afford to smoke a pack a day?” I said, because OF COURSE. “It doesn’t make much financial sense does it?”