Tagged
conversations with mom
Conversation
Mom:Mike, your father and I are dying.
Me:WHAT!?
Mom:Oh, I mean, your father and I are are getting old. We're getting old and you don't visit us enough.
Me:*FACEPALM*
Conversation
Mom:Hello, is this my son?
Me:Hey mom. Why do you always ask that when you call? You are calling my phone. If it picks up, I am the one picking it up.
Mom:Sometimes other people pick up other people's phones.
Me:Nobody does that. Only crazy people do that.
Mom:I do that. Does that make me crazy?
Me:I'm too smart to try to respond to that question. Pass!
Mom:I was just calling to say hi and to make sure you weren't occupying Wall Street.
Me:I'm not, but I did go down there to check it out.
Mom:Don't do that! The protesters will kill you!
Me:It's fine!
Mom:What if someone had a bomb?
Me:Um, they don't have bombs.
Mom:You sure? One hundred percent sure?
Me:Ninety-nine percent sure! (Beat. And then nothing from my mother.) I'm pretty sure these people don't have bombs. Most of them are probably just like me. And I don't have any bombs.
Mom:But what about terrorists? Detonating a bomb with so many people around is something a terrorist might do.
Me:That never even crossed my mind, and I can't believe you are imagining this nightmarish scenario.
Mom:That's what moms do. Create these scenarios so that you don't do things that will get you killed.
Conversation
Mom:Hi!
Me:Why, hello! Um. Thanks for calling and checking in on me three days after the hurricane. Was no one worried that I was going to get swallowed by the sea?
Mom:Oh, I thought if it was going to get bad, you were going to call me first.
Me:You are the opposite of every mom out there! All the other moms were worried!
Mom:I worry about you! I'm worried that you'll be walking in an alley at night, and someone will jump out of a bush and mug you!
Me:Mom, that's crazy.
Mom:I know, you always tell me how safe New York is.
Me:Well, that, but also, I don't think I've ever walked in an alley here. I can't even think of where I would even go if I ever wanted to walk in an alley in the city!
Mom:Oh, I thought there were alleys everywhere.
Me:Also, why would anyone plant a bush in an alley? Who are these thieves hanging around alleys and hiding in bushes that someone randomly left behind?
Mom:Okay, fine, I'll call next time a hurricane comes.
Me:Thank you.
